Coping with Chronic Illness

Nothing quite challenges a person like a chronic illness.  I still remember when my doctor looked at my blood test and looked up at me, “I think we need to run more tests.” Just like that, in a few months, my life was permanently altered.

Sometimes, I wonder how is it that I manage to live knowing that nothing will or nothing can go back.  Allah (swt) is as-Shafi’ (The Healer) and He heals whomever He wills, undoubtedly.  For me to stay sane, however, I need to think as if me and Hashimoto’s have a long life together. That we are going to travel the world together, that we will expand our garden together, that we will hold hands until we are old and wrinkly. Yes, me and my Japanese friend will be my friend for life.

There are days that I look in the mirror with unkempt hair and bags under my eyes.  “Today, it is going to be that kind of day.” I exit the bathroom, sweep my hair back into a make shift bun, walk past the messy bed and head out to the living room. It is going to be that kind of day, indeed.

Other days, I look in the mirror and see nothing but plans for the day.  All of the organization projects, cleaning tasks, planning, video editing and writing, all of it seems real. As if it all can be done today.  Those days, I sweep my hair back into a less-messy bun, head outside of the bathroom, pull the curtains back from the window, and straighten out the blue sheets on our bed.  The day begins.

Both days go by the hour in that I plan on what to do in hourly increments on energetic days, and count down the hours until night comes on the low days.  The ticking clock is the same, the sun is the same, and the house is the same. It is all the same except for my biological existence, its very unpredictable existence.

Whether it is an energetic day, then, or a day which feels like a heavy blanket is over me, there is only one stable truth: It is going to end.  Whether I am alive when it does or not, the reality of the world will stay the same until Allah (swt) wills which is that the sun will set and rise again tomorrow.  If the day is productive, I try to do everything that I can.  Most importantly, I try to get the food ready so that the following few days – which may or may not be productive – will not leave me deprived of nutrition on the infamous couch.

And the days which are not well, the days that are spent on the couch, eyes barely open, those days also go by.  In them, I remind myself of the very same fact: It can change tomorrow.  If today is bad, then tomorrow might be productive, I may be able to do everything that I could not do today.  The amazing part is that it actually may well end up being that way.

So this is how I cope.  I live day by day, knowing that when I go to bed, I may wake up in a completely different state.  I live knowing that today is temporary, the bad is temporary, the tiredness is temporary, the utter lack of energy is all temporary.

Isn’t that how we are all supposed to live anyway?